Sometimes circumstances feel overwhelming. It might not be any one particular thing, really — it’s just all of it put together. In those moments, I am learning to cry out to Jesus! I wrote this a few months ago and rediscovered it recently, finding that even though our challenges have changed, it still speaks to me today. My heart is reminded, yet again, of the God who does not forsake.
“I’m hungry but I don’t want these apples! What else is there?”
“I got a paper cut, can I have a princess bandaid?”
“Can’t I just have one more candy from my candy bucket?”
“LOST BOOK! LOST BOOK! Where is that book I had yesterday?”
All the questions, all the time.
The washing machine has been going non-stop thanks to cold and flu season. As I scrub my sandpaper hands for the thousandth time, cracked and bleeding from the freezing cold outside and my attempts at keeping the germs from spreading, I glance up at myself in the mirror. I try to smile, but I can’t. Literally. The right corner of my mouth moves up slightly, but is stopped by my chipmunk cheek, swollen from having a broken tooth pulled.
Jesus, are you there?
I gently set the baby down. Finally! He is sound asleep. Or so I thought. Eyes flutter open, restless wiggling begins. Sighing, I gently pick him up and accept that my evening plans have changed. Tonight I’ll be wearing grooves into the floor where my feet are planted, in front of the crib, rocking him in the dark, quietly singing and praying for my boy.
Jesus? Can you see me?
I’m climbing a mountain, but I can’t see the summit. I’m reaching up for the next ledge, but I can’t find it. There’s no place to stand up straight and look around, to breathe deep, to enjoy the view.
Frustrated tears stream down my face.
Where are you Jesus? Are you here, even now, in this time and place? In these moments of a million questions, inconvenient illnesses and pure exhaustion?
My heart knows the answer.
Yes, when I don’t think I can deal with one more question.
Yes, when the kids are sick and I just don’t feel like it.
Yes, when my back is sore and my legs are screaming and I just want to sit down.
Yes, when I feel like it will always be like this.
“Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5b