The Time Machine: Presents or Presence?

The Time Machine series features posts from years past.

I wrote these thoughts just before Christmas 2015.

***

As we draw closer to the holidays, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between presents and presence.  We long to connect with each other so we give presents that show our love.  How awesome!  But even more so, I’ve been feeling like I need to BE more present.

I love giving presents. It’s so awesome to see my girls’ faces when they open up their gifts! And my husband’s reactions are nearly as fantastic.

But presence itself?  Hmm.  That’s a bit tougher.  Somehow it’s easier to wrap something up in shiny paper or a smiley status update or an instagram filter than it is to actually call my grandma, invite someone for dinner, or even send that text I’ve been meaning to send for weeks, no months.  Has it been a year already?  Too embarrassed to send it now.

Hold on, I’m just checking out my messages.  Just checking out my newsfeed.

Maybe just checking out.

What if, over the course of this holiday season and as a precursor for the year to come, we put the phone down for a while?

So we can get down on the floor and play.

So we can slow down and hear the heart of the matter.

So we can let down those walls and make room for Jesus, King of Glory.

I love Christmas because I love how it shows us God’s heart:  Emmanuel, GOD WITH US.  God did not only give us hope and peace and love and joy – He gave us Himself when He sent His Son into the world as a baby on that very first Christmas.

What if our gift to the King in the manger is to surrender to Him wholly and completely?

What if our spiritual act of worship this Christmas is to choose not to conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12)?

And what if we let that change the way we do life, becoming invitational and present in the moments He has given specifically to us?  No one else is uniquely placed where we are right now in life.  Only we can give our attention and love.

The King of Kings has come!  He is with us so we can be with Him!  And He gives us everything we need, so that we can give everything back to Him.

I love to celebrate the Christmas season.  Bring on the presents, tree, carols, cookies and lights.  They are beautiful traditions that reflect the heart of the Father who gives good gifts to His children.

In all those moments, though, I long to be available, engaged and grateful, with a heart of worship.

Because here’s the thing:  being truly present in a moment that matters will matter more than all the presents under all the trees for the rest of our lives.

candle

Fifteen Years Later

Recently  I came across a date written in the margin of my Bible, next to part of a Psalm.

It was my nineteenth birthday.

I can’t really remember much about the day itself, but I remember the season of life I was in. I had spent the year after high school working at a radio station and was looking forward to attending Bible college that fall. I remember the spiritual passion and how I was so excited to see what life with Christ would bring. There were a series of question marks that needed exclamation points: would I meet someone and get married? Could I launch a full-time music ministry, as I was so hoping to? Dare I believe there would be a recording contract or at the very least, an album and a tour in my future?

The year that followed was filled with disappointment and heartbreak.

When things did not go the way I planned, I learned a few hard lessons about life and love and the way the world works. And I discovered, eventually, that I had a choice. I could choose the exhausting path of bitterness and self-protection, or I could choose to trust the One who knew me better than I know myself, and rest in His unfailing love.

Fast forward fifteen years. In that time, I’ve moved provinces, gotten married and had four kids, and it amazes me that when I read this passage again, my heart still cries YES and AMEN!

IMG_1414

Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.
Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
 Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life.

Psalm 119:33-40 (NIV)

The Time Machine: November is Sad for Some

The Time Machine series features posts from years past.

When we set our clocks back this past weekend, I remembered why I struggle so much in November. It’s cold, dark, and Christmas is still two months away. About four years ago, I wrote this post to encourage my own heart, and yours too.

***

We’re heading into a tough month.  For many people, depression spikes in November.  Did you know that?  If you struggle with depression, that is not news to you.  The clocks go back, and for some reason, our feelings of hope go with it.

Maybe it’s because we finally notice just how DARK it is outside.  And the days just get shorter and shorter, until just before Christmas, the brightest of celebrations.

Less daylight really DOES make a difference to our hearts.  In these coming days, I will be praying:

“Father help my heart believe
That your love is singing over me.”
-Steven Curtis Chapman, from his song Love Take Me Over

For His purposes (which so far have not been made known to me), God has seen fit to allow me to experience bouts of depression.  And November has been one of those months that has, historically, been difficult.  It’s kind of funny, I guess, because I REALLY don’t like to appear weak.  I am the “gal with a plan”, so to speak.  And I really would rather seem like I’ve got a handle on things.

The truth is, HE’s got a handle on things.  And that is so precious to me in the deepest part of my soul.  I am not just praying for deliverance from the struggle, I am also praying for faithfulness through it.  Because after all, He is WITH me – and that is the truth, no matter what my negative thoughts may say.

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV)

The Lord your God is with you,
    the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
    but will rejoice over you with singing.

november afternoon

November afternoon

When I Feel Most Like a Super Mom

My husband brought home two costume items on Halloween after work: a pirate hat and a cape.

I chose the cape and in true mom-fashion, took ten minutes to turn it into my tongue-in-cheek costume for the year: Supermom.

supermom 17

Hair and makeup were already done – and by done I mean not done at all. I threw on an apron with a soother pinned to the top, hand sanitizer taped to the middle, a diaper and a coffee mug in one pocket and a baby toy in the other. With a burp cloth over one shoulder, I carried my purse AND the diaper bag across my body and in the other arm, I hauled the car seat with the baby in it. The finishing touch – my shirt had real spit-up stains! Imagine that! haha! With my dollar store cape draped across my shoulders, we were off to take our kids trick-or-treating at Grandma’s house.

The costume made me laugh because it wasn’t too far off from my regular life right now – a little stressful and last-minute, with a lot of mess and imperfection and a healthy dose of mirth. We snapped a few photos to freeze the moment in time so we can look back when the kids are older and everything is different, to remember what it was like right now.

It was fun to pretend for a couple of hours, but as they usually do, things got real when we arrived back home with buckets of mini chocolate bars and gummies in hand.

Our oldest two were fighting about who would hand out candy to the other trick-or-treaters while our two year old was a puddle of tears in the middle of the living room, chocolate smeared all over her lips and the sleeves of her bunny costume. The baby, of course, was very ready to eat.

I sat down in the armchair to feed him while my husband handled the oldest two and helped the bunny into her jammies.

Supermom was gone. The apron and cape were hanging over the high chair, and it was just Super Tired Mom in her place!

There was a time in my early mom years when I couldn’t possibly be caught in a costume like that in public because it’s not perfect. In fact, there are still times when perfection threatens to steal the amazing life I have right in front of me by telling me it’s all simply not good enough.

But as I grow older, I am beginning to understand.

Here’s what I know about being a super mom:  super moms are not born, they are made. They are forged in the fires of sleep deprivation, spit up and sippy cups. They are grown from the earth tilled under by tantrums and toilet training. They are refined by the flames of daily giving yourself up for someone else and knowing deep inside that you would not have it any other way – that through this process comes real gold.

You know when I feel most like a super mom? When I survive a solo trip to the store with all four kids. When I successfully navigate the waters of crazy post-time-change behaviour without seriously losing my cool. When we can laugh together even though life is hard and we are all tired.

It has nothing to do with kids in matching outfits or a spotless bathroom. And boy am I glad!

Super moms, all of you – keep on doing what you are doing. Be open to the changes that motherhood brings to your body, your mind, your heart, your spirit, but most of all, your soul.

We carry on with hope in our hearts because we know that God makes all things beautiful in His time.

The Time Machine: Friday Truth

The Time Machine series features posts from years past.

When you’re a parent of young children, you tend to listen to kids music from time to time. Our oldest has always been an early riser – and I mean EARLY. There was a time when she would wake up before the crack of dawn singing kids songs loud enough to wake the house. Thankfully, at that time we only had two littles and they did not share a room! When I wrote this, she was almost 3 and her younger sister was about 9 months old.

***

“Little is much when God is in it”.

It’s true. God can take a small thing and make it big for His purpose.

I’m thankful for that today.

I heard my oldest singing this LOUDLY first thing in the morning:

Little is much when He lives in your heart
Little is much when you know who you are 
Little is much when He lives in your heart
Little is much
-Mary Rice Hopkins

Wow.  Kids song.  You did it to me again – got me right there in the heart!

Little is much when you know who you are.

How amazing!  Thank You Lord.

butterfly on dandelion

Must Be Halloween Again

pumpkin

Ah yes, my annual struggle.

Every year my prayer is the same:  Jesus, give me wisdom!

I took the kids for a walk in the fall sunshine the other day and on the way home I forgot that we were coming down the street with the Creepy Halloween House. When we’re in the van I can usually count on moving past so quickly that the kids don’t really see all the super scary stuff, but when you’re walking at a toddler’s pace you really can’t avoid it. Oh I tried, believe me.

“Hey girls, look at that silly bird walking around on that grass over there!” There was a magpie on the lawn across the street. It worked for about five seconds. Then I lost them.

“Mama! What is THAT?!” My four year old asked, pointing at the house.

“Well, it looks like some Halloween decorations, but we don’t really need to look at them,” I said.

“Why not?”

“They’re a little bit too creepy.”

“Yeah,” my 6 year old agreed. For her, the novelty of certain types of seasonal decor has worn off. But for my 4 year old, it’s irresistible.

“That IS creepy! But it doesn’t scare me!” she cried. “Let’s play Halloween characters! I’m a ghost! Booooooo!”

In spite of her feelings about scary decorations, my 6 year old joined in immediately and for the next half-hour they ran around the back yard together pretending to be Halloween characters and imagining a world where “Chickens Running Around with Their Heads Cut Off” was their favourite comedy TV show.

Later, I asked them why they like to play spooky characters.

My 4 year old answered, “First, they’re not very scary for me. Secondly, I think they’re cool.” (She actually said, “secondly”! haha!)

“Really?” I asked. “Aren’t you a tiny bit scared?”

“Nope,” she continued with confidence, “If I just saw something spooky to me, I would just stick my tongue out at it.”

“Oh really,” I said. The next day as we drove in the van, the story changed. We were talking about some Halloween thing they had seen out the window and my 4 year old spoke up.

“Well, some Halloween things are NOT scary for me, but some Halloween things ARE scary for me,” she explained. “Like, the cartoony things aren’t, but the spooky things are. I do NOT like those witches at the neighbour’s house, they are too creepy for me. Yep, too creepy. But that big Frankenstein is so funny!”

I totally get why Halloween is so interesting when you’re a little kid. It’s impossible not to be fascinated, especially with all the huge inflatable lawn decorations nowadays. The Halloween House next door is their favourite. The kids are really drawn to the ten-foot-tall Frankenstein and a set of inflatable jack o’lanterns that look like a little pumpkin family, a spider in a top hat, a dragon they’ve named “Dragula”, two big white ghosts with lights and a REALLY tall pumpkin reaper we’ve named “Pumpkin Guy”.  Those characters have really sparked their imagination! But Creepy Halloween House has presented a new set of challenges.

For the first time, it’s actually scary to them.

As a Christian, I’ve always struggled with Halloween because of the evil and fear associated with it, and I will do my best to keep those kinds of things away from my kids whenever I can. But I know they’re growing up and we’re moving from being fascinated with the silly inflatable Halloween characters on the lawn next door to genuinely scary moments for them as they come in contact with certain images.

After six years of Halloween with young children, I’m realizing that despite all my efforts to shield their eyes, they’re going to see the awful decorations in the neighbourhood or at the store. Or hear about horror movies from their friends at school. Or happen to catch a glimpse of a billboard with a creepy clown on it as we drive down the street.

And even though I would rather protect them from all of it so they never had to feel afraid in their lives, I’m realizing that these are opportunities to have some really important big-picture conversations about feelings and fears and good and evil and Who is bigger than it all.

The Big Question in Our Home These Days

I sat down on the floor. Almost immediately, all three girls surrounded me. One climbed into my lap, one tucked herself under my arm and the other nestled into my side. As I pulled a Berenstain Bears book off the shelf and began to read aloud, I could feel their bodies relaxing. Mine was too, which came as a surprise to me. Only moments before, I was about to dive right into Screaming Mama Abyss, moving closer to the edge with each shrill word exchanged between the three of them. Instead, I breathed deep and did the OPPOSITE of what I felt like.

I got real quiet.

I sat.

I read.

I cuddled.

I hugged.

I poured some mama love all over those children.

love

It was exactly what our hearts needed that afternoon. You see, the big question in our house right now is “do you still love me?”. A new baby brings amazing joy into a family but it also brings a wave of change that’s enough to spin-cycle you right out into the middle of the ocean. These sweet girls of mine are desperate to know that their parents still love them more than ever, even with a new cute little brother on the scene. He’s starting to coo and smile and getting a ton of attention, and they really want to know how this is all going to work out for them in the long run.

As with any change, we need amazing grace and the gift of time.  Grace for each other, time to adjust. You simply cannot rush into a “new normal”, whatever that new normal happens to be. It’s enough right now just to know that no matter what the day holds, we’re not walking through it alone!

Welcome!

Welcome to my new site!  I am so excited to share my thoughts, my life and my heart in this space. It has been a long time coming, that’s for sure! Look for reposts of some of my favourites from Finding Gems in the Ordinary and of course, new posts!

Things have changed so much for me since I started blogging eleven years ago. Back then I was a young, single career girl, hurling myself towards burnout. Today, I am a postpartum mom of four (my first son is just two months old!), hurling myself into the arms of Jesus every moment of every day! I’m sharing that journey here on this blog and I hope you’ll share in it with me.